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08 May 2017 @ 10:36 pm
Dear Livejournal,

Life is hard. Life is stressful. Sometimes its really over whelming. But I push on.

Whats bugging me? I only stop and write when I need to release some thoughts.

I'm 26 now. The older I grow the more I create this inner panic that I'm not where I should be. I have this standard of where I should be, I should let it go but its hard. I feel like I should have life figured out by now. Isn't that what others have? Yes, I know its not right to compare myself to others. Is it a habit? All my life comparing myself to others, grades, looks, circumstances.

I'm financially stable and solo. Solid job, living well, definitely not rich but that's not necessary. I'm working for a transportation company. One I quite have a like-hate relationship with. I'm good at doing my job, I just don't love it, barely like it most days. Being surrounded by managers that do not speak English in a freezing cold office full of silence. It really gets to me. Its lonely. I've found myself listening to talk videos and getting up away from my desk to socialize with the other department. Its so lonely.

This certainly isn't the job for me. But what is? I feel like I'm always going to be someone who gets bored of things within 6 months.

I came to Florida to be a zookeeper. Then I learned they're all paid $11/hour and have to work a second job. Sounds pretty miserable. I lost a lot of my interest in that position. I volunteer at the zoo, but the keepers aren't always very happy, one of them actually wanted to do something else but took a keeper job because she wasn't "smart enough" for forensic sciences. That still astounds me. There are people who would love your job and you are half hearted about it.

Feels difficult trying to find a job I could be whole hearted about. I would be bitter about struggling financially, but then I'm bitter at the boredom and the loneliness, the urge to be outside and the desire to work for the environment.

No one warned me of the science field. How the jobs are often sexist (Class A CDL??!) or want tons of experience. How you're expected to get experience by working for free. Great world we have.

7 months after my promotion and I'm thinking its getting time to fly the coop. But where to fly to? Job searching is like soul searching. I need an instruction manual to my soul and then I'll find the job I want.

Things will work out I'm sure. Maybe after I watch all the TED Talks and read a bunch of success/motivation/career books.


That video got me to Florida. I had the vision and went for it. I might be lost right now. But I will find or choose the path, there are so many to follow.

I guess journal, I just needed to let out some steam and reassure myself. In my head I get negative thoughts all the time. But writing here, I let go and start to draw out positive thoughts.

Thanks for setting my mind free.

~Death Comes Fast~
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Meh
Current Music: Why Do We Fall - video
02 January 2016 @ 05:54 pm
Out with the old. In with the new.

My New Years resolution is to work hard towards my career. I want to become knowledgable. I want to gain experience and get hired by next year hopefully.

My problem is managing this desire to do more with lack of motivation. How do I start? What am I supposed to do?

One of my problem habits I need to fix this year is getting up in the morning. I know that I am really starting to hate my job and not care. I can't get up in the morning because of it. I need to find a reason to wake up. I need to find a way around hating my job and not wanting to be there.

Now I didn't mean to write when I was unhappy but it occurred that way.

I can't figure what's bugging me right now.

In another note let me talk about jay. Me and jay were close two years ago in Tera. He really helped me to break out away from Jon and see that I should be treated better. Without him I'm sure things wouldn't have gone the same. I love playing with him. He had so much energy and talent. I was pretty drawn to him. But my heart was also under torment. We had a fight and I couldn't take the added stress of our gaming relationship in arenas and so we stopped talking. Two years later we have met in another game. The chances are astonishing.

But I feel like this topic deserves its own entry.

He wants to date and I'm so unsure. I had that instant attraction to Ray and I don't know if I have that to Jay. Thats something I'm scared of.

What do I want right now?
Why am I feeling a bit down?

Let me say: good bye to 2015.
The year I fought for my degree. The year I was so lost. The last year I worked at the college. The year i struggled to apply for jobs without a clue. The last year in New York.

~Death Comes Fast~
19 October 2015 @ 01:00 pm
Two months have passed in a blur. I now have my own apartment. I have a job. I've dumped my boyfriend. I've had my first flat tire. Had my first dead battery. And I'm learning to make it all on my own here in Florida.

My job isn't in my field yet. That's something I'm in the process of. But baby steps first. I live a half hour from a zoo I will go volunteer and hopefully find employment there.

I'm back on an archeage kick. I can't decide if it's something I need right now or not. In a way I need that human contact. I need friendships. But not the annoying kind. I'm so tired of making friends with annoying guys. I just don't need people in my life who are drama, needy, or put no effort in.

I dumped ray because he didn't want to put effort into our relationship. We went a week without contacting and I called it off. He wasn't so busy with school he couldn't text. Please the kid doesn't even have a part time job.

In my new life I am starting fresh. I will venture out when I'm ready to face the city. Nothing but blue skies and sunshine in Florida. 😋
20 July 2015 @ 01:13 pm
I scheduled, planned, packed and went. I'm now down here in Florida. I have until the end of the month to get a sublet and a job.

Sleep hasn't been too good. And so my energy is a little low. I have little say over things, when I try to protest I am dominated by my mother or grand mother. That is getting irratating.

I wanna cook for myself, take care of myself.

In order to get what I want I need to put in effort. I need to do applications.

So don't let it bother me that my stress relieving yoga was interrupted. It will be okay. Just adjust and smile. This is my opportunity to get what I want. Don't waste it.

I'm here. I made it this far. Build and go for it. Be excited for these opportunities. Be happy.

Be happy. I am happy. I am happy I am here in Florida. Spend every moment growing and developing my plan.

I will make it!
04 July 2015 @ 12:42 am
I did it. I fought my way and righted my diploma. I worked and I saved money. I finished working and I applied to jobs all over the country.

But I had enough of that. I'm not a patient person. I like to see results. I'm also convinced my depression still exists.

Since rays return to China and then to Australia he talked to me less. It got to the point where I had enough and I told him to ether give me the attention I deserve or our relationship isn't going to work. Once a month face times were just absurd. We became so detached from eachother. We rekindled after I addressed it and he's been more considerate.

I don't like tolerating emptiness or loneliness in relationships. The person I am most concerned about is me. My mental health needs positive influences.

While Ray was distant from me I started to work on myself and what I wanted. Finally I concluded that I just want and need to take the plunge and go to the job I want in a state I want to be in. Would I be happy in NYS or SC or KS? No I might not be.

So I'm heading to Florida to get what I want, the job I want, in the place I want, independent, creating my own life.

I will have fears, I will have doubts. But don't let them hold me back. I will miss those I leave behind but let me not stay for them but leave for myself.
In the time I was separated from Ray I pushed this idea and dream forward. I can't stay for him. If it is our fate to be then we will make it together.
~Death Comes Fast~
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: None
04 January 2015 @ 01:04 am
I hadn't posted in a while. I'm dating ray now. I'm apprehensive and nervous about it. I took him to the air port and that was when we finally said we were official. Honestly when he brought it up I was shocked. I had forgotten to bring it up! I at some point start to comfortably assume that except when asked. I wondered if I could trust him not to cheat and play around. But I'm hopeful and trying to be secure.

I cried at the airport when I got back in the car. All that day I had a headache for no reason. It was my body telling me I'm stressed the fuck out! I didn't know it consciously I guess. I spent a month with this guy. To tie myself down to him is something I'll go up and down with.

That instant connection, attraction. Could it have occurred with anyone? Questioning fate again, I'll be here all night. But I'm glad it's brought us together.

My confidence is very small though. When the loneliness kicks in its a battle. When I tie myself to one guy it limits my attention. It might be shallow to say. But honestly there's a level of attention, love and affection we all crave.

Let's rewind it a bit. This guy he was super sweet. He carried me over mud puddles. He would walk me to my car no matter the weather. Hold my hand and kiss me. One night we went through thornden park together. He made me feel safe. Even gave me a piggy back ride. He even helped me dig out my car. We've eatten all kinds of food together. Including chinese takeout, Indian, pizza, pitas, chicken wings, lamb.

His gaming does drive me crazy sometimes. There are times I want to yell at him to pay attention to me instead of gaming. But then I settle its better to be happy to spend time together without always having to center on each other. Keeping eachother company.

Fast forward to the part where I am frustrated I haven't seen him. I miss him, when I can't share my day with him. You forget things and it becomes lost. The other person disconnects from your life. I don't want that. I'm hoping for the best. I can't conprehend his situation where he can't send me a text once a day. Just trying to be calm. I blame it on my vacation.

~death comes fast~
20 November 2014 @ 11:49 pm
Time is ticking. It makes me saD. But it's okay. My heart won't break but it will probably ache when he leaves. He is so seemingly perfect. We are similar in what seems like a lot of ways. So why now? Why now that I meet a great guy? A guy who will carry me over puddles. Who will blow on my cold hands. Who will walk me to my car 20 mins away in the cold.

He makes me smile. He makes me happy. Though I can feel my untrusting heart doubting him quite a bit. And I dobt fret at those feeling I just work my way through it. I'm changing because of him or I'm awaking or understanding myself due to him.

We aren't named. We are together and yet not declared a couple. We've held hands and layed together naked after sex. We know the day is coming that we won't see each other. And this is what is key. Pushing this month as far as it can go. It might hurt in the end but it's okay.

When I look out at guys now I've got more confidence. I also feel like this isn't the end. That there are more people out there that fit me. But the worry I won't find another is always something I'll have to push aside. Ray is so seemingly perfect but our lives are not staying crossed for long right now. There is always the future. If we get through with in one piece. Is this what a soul mate is? They say it soulmates sometimes are an existence that comes into your life just to push you. Meant to challenge and give you what you need. A perfect fit for your soul. Not a duplicate of you.

~death comes fast~
05 November 2014 @ 08:07 pm
What day was it hmm?

Well I started the day at pages. As per usual. I saw him while we were busy sitting at the table with me at the register. Then when I looked again he was gone. Only to come back later on when I was supposed to go to blinker.

I didn't see him on my way out. He had left his stuff on the table. As I left I saw him standing on the stairs. Confused but passing him I asked what he was doing. We chatted briefly and he asked where I was going and if I was coming back. He said he'd see me later then.

I was happy that he was still gonna be there when I get back. He was certainly doing that on purpose.

Then I got to blinker for my hour cover shift and Michele says I have to go to new house. I was mad. I wanted to go back so I could get his number! I was preparing myself so well! I had asked Bri even about it and was feeling ready.

So I planned it out on how I could get back to pages to see him. I was going to go on my break. And I did. I followed through, walked in, didn't see him. Then I saw him with his headphones on in one of the chairs. So I walked up told him I had to go to another cafe and got his number. After the awkwardness of that I went and clocked out and headed on my way. As soon as I checked the phone he had text me with a face.

I was on a cloud. Proud and happy.

So I get a text among the texts that he wants to give me something. I was totally intrigued. What could he possibly wanna give me?

He met me after my work to give me a beautiful origami. And then he asked me out for korean food this weekend. That's just amazing to me. I'm excited
04 November 2014 @ 06:12 pm
The second I didn't see him turn to watch me go up the stairs my depression hit me. Powerful low esteem and negativity.

I can't let it beat me down.
31 October 2014 @ 11:58 am
I started at slocum today and then went to blinker in the afternoon. And I saw him. We actually weren't busy for once so I got to chat briefly. I asked what he was up to. He had recitations and tutoring today. It was a bit awkward asking questions. He notes that he hadn't seen me and how many days do I work. He lingered a bit, leading me to think he's shy. He stood over by the window but I could see him in the reflection of the mirror. Which was definitely nice.

Later on my break he came over and say by me. We talked about majors and such. I didn't see him first I'm sure he saw me but didn't come over till I looked. But he had came back to the building on his break. I suspected because of me. Why else would he be standing right there?

But then the third time. It was busy so we didn't get to talk. But as he left he said bye with my name. He certainly came to the same cafe three times in one day for me right? Still thinking he's shy. But I'm a giddy girl with a crush. My heart beating all fast.