I think i'm realizing that this is kinda serious. Wether its tied to my depression or not I am not sure.
But when I go wash my face at night, sometimes I pick at it. I damage it because I feel like theres crap in my pores and making me unattractive. I can pinch areas and see the crap in my pores. I want a smooth clean face, why can't I get it even after weeks of doing well with it? I still get acne. Why? I'm eatting right, I'm washing my face often. Why is it still imperfect. I could be focusing on it too much, I watch alot of kdramasa and watch kpop artists who are ideal in my mind.
I wrecked my face again with damage last night. When I see myself beautiful but I get no attention from it, what good is it? Its obviously not good enough right? So I pick at it. But it damages my skin and I'm hurting myself in the mean time. Its also a time waste. body-focused repetitive behavior, dermatillomania. This girl had it bad. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9dzBX2X-q8
, I don't go that far. But really that is a condition I was surprised to see can be so extreme. I still end up popping zits or irritating my skin because I find "flaws". Most the time the "flaws" you can only see right up close or feel. But then the person I'm with would see or feel them then right? I guess that's the mentality. I'm causing skin damage with that mentality and have to use cover up the next day on a couple spots. ITS BAD, DON"T DO IT.
Not being good enough. Theres this one memory that I get when I try to think of when it got bad. And its in the apartment. It used to be when I lived in a dorm I couldn't spend time mulling over my face and going over it with a magnifying glass. When I moved into the apartment I could, I could spend as much time as I wanted in front of the mirror. I remember coming from the bath room trying to hide my picked face hoping the redness would go down. Where was he to make me feel good? When did he ever make me feel beautiful? Tell me I was beautiful? I try to think of the happier feelings but I can't remember. I don't think I've blocked out things from our relationships past.
Sex was sex, I didn't feel pretty in sex. I didn't want to shave sometimes, because I thought it would keep him away from having sex. Which it didn't. But sex was often very empty and I didn't want it. At some part of living there with him and maybe dating him in general declined my self-esteem. I guess I am a person who craves and needs reassurance of things. Maybe that's why break ups were so easy for him to fix with me because it gave me that reassurance. Who knows. I know I blame that time of my life for a lot of things. But I don't think I am 100% wrong. I did crazy things, obsessive calling, paranoia, all of which developed because of the person I loved. The person I loved who would hurt me and hide things. The person who treated me badly. A bad jerk. That doesn't make it right, but that's how things happened. I don't wanna be that way ever again.
I'm desperately trying to understand myself. To fix myself, this just isn't the way by hurting myself because of my emotions. I need to find a way to get back on birth control and regulate my hormones. I think it might help, with the acne that's causing the behavior and my emotions.
I'm searching for a behavior treatment. This is absurd. I'm only mildly concerned with my obsession to "fix" myself. But I don't think its bad. Its not like i'm going out having a million plastic surgeries, or starving myself to loose weight. I'm trying to make healthy choices.
I have a new app for what I eat. I want to see how much I really cheat on food. I used to consistently weigh around 120lbs. I can't believe I let myself get over 120lbs living in syracuse. I'm now doing well to keep my weight under 118 nowadays and to loose more. But understanding what I need for energy to not feel tired or anything and what is over eating is a little hard. I drink water now though! Which is a surprising feat that I've trained myself. I used to hate water. I gave up soda sometime at morrisville. I gave up Gatorade as well. I gave up juice sometime during living in the apartment. Now i really just drink water, milk, tea, very occasional iced coffee and lemonade if I'm at a restaurant.
Am I done yet idk? It helps to let all this out. Let my mind out, set me free.
Anxiety, stress, depression. Mental issues, are all real to me. I want to be healthy mentally too. I truly think through the years I got sick somehow. Really I'm just trying to figure myself out. I want to be conscious of myself and my emotions.
When I'm happy I'll try to write. When I'm miserable I'll try to write. My life is stressful, I gotta work through it the best way I can.
Right now my skin feels wicked gross, and my body in general. Probably gonna put some music on my beloved iphone and take a shower.
I have a 3 day weekend. And I'm going to positively move forward to my goal.
~Death Comes Fast~