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24 October 2014 @ 12:24 am
So this is the quick tell of my crush right now. Cause I thought I'd write it down. A week ago on Wednesday I was working at blinker and it was a usual day of register. When I'm on register I tend to people watch. Not like it's not my job to make sure everyone's taken care of. I'm always watching people and more than likely ranking any guys that are good looking. But one guy he stared back to the point I was a bit flustered and felt shy or nervous. Any time I looked out to the crowd I'd feel like he was looking right back at me. He came back that same day again. Again when I looked at him he was looking back. I especially was polite in taking his order and prolonging him. He responded to me well enough still looking at me when I smiled and handed him his card.

Well the next morning I saw him at pages. He was looking at me again I swear! So I acknowledged him saying something like oh hey I saw you at blinker yesterday! He just said yeah and then I kinda felt nervous again and went back to the register then rang him up once his breakfast sandwich was done. Then he left and must have gone to the computers cause I saw him leave out the front some time later. This time he seemed like he waved. But I don't really know if it was towards me.

That Friday I was at blinker and went to pages after closing. I was sad that I didn't see him cause I figured i would. But I didn't see him all day and when I went to pages I was put in the back. An hour before I had to leave I saw him with his head phones on over in the chairs. He was studying away I think. I don't know if he ever saw me that day. But I saw him.

I didn't run into him again until Wednesday this week. I waved in the morning like a dork and then became so busy with work I couldn't talk to him. He did come back later but I still didn't get a chance. He sat way over in the corner barely visible to me from the cafe. If I looked between the rows I could see him. And I swear I saw him once purposely look up and over the seats at me.

I must be crazy right? I cheated and got his real Chinese name from his id but I was don't know how to pronounce it. I was dying to actually get a chance to talk to him. Well still am.

Today I was at pages for a bit and he came though. Before I could get to talk to him the attendant told me I could leave for blinker. I was upset. He was finally there and I had to leave! And we exchanged glances. I went to get my coat and fix up my makeup. Then dashed out to leave. As I walked by he turned, he faced me and I was already looking at him. I asked him what his name is. He said Rey? Rae? But it's really Rui? Idk how that works. But he asked if I was leaving. More like he knew cause he had overheard. And he asked if it was the hbc one which it was. He shook my hand which was a bit odd but it was fine for me. And then We said it was meeting each other and parted.

I didn't see him after. And I'm dying of curiosity. I also had some instances of low esteem but I'm trying to have a bit more confidence. I may have tested asking a stranger their name on purpose yesterday for the reason of maning up and being brave. I'm too shy. But then they say Asians are pretty shy.

I'd like to get his number really. Or add him to Facebook to be able to contact each other but I guess I have to be patient.
28 September 2014 @ 11:22 pm
Discovery of love is probably a bad drama for me to watch. It has a lot of past love in it that makes me think of the past which isn't good.

The one that loves the most loses. It's interesting how reflective this drama makes me.
30 August 2014 @ 06:33 pm
I think i'm realizing that this is kinda serious. Wether its tied to my depression or not I am not sure.

But when I go wash my face at night, sometimes I pick at it. I damage it because I feel like theres crap in my pores and making me unattractive. I can pinch areas and see the crap in my pores. I want a smooth clean face, why can't I get it even after weeks of doing well with it? I still get acne. Why? I'm eatting right, I'm washing my face often. Why is it still imperfect. I could be focusing on it too much, I watch alot of kdramasa and watch kpop artists who are ideal in my mind.

I wrecked my face again with damage last night. When I see myself beautiful but I get no attention from it, what good is it? Its obviously not good enough right? So I pick at it. But it damages my skin and I'm hurting myself in the mean time. Its also a time waste. body-focused repetitive behavior, dermatillomania. This girl had it bad. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9dzBX2X-q8 , I don't go that far. But really that is a condition I was surprised to see can be so extreme. I still end up popping zits or irritating my skin because I find "flaws". Most the time the "flaws" you can only see right up close or feel. But then the person I'm with would see or feel them then right? I guess that's the mentality. I'm causing skin damage with that mentality and have to use cover up the next day on a couple spots. ITS BAD, DON"T DO IT.

Not being good enough. Theres this one memory that I get when I try to think of when it got bad. And its in the apartment. It used to be when I lived in a dorm I couldn't spend time mulling over my face and going over it with a magnifying glass. When I moved into the apartment I could, I could spend as much time as I wanted in front of the mirror. I remember coming from the bath room trying to hide my picked face hoping the redness would go down. Where was he to make me feel good? When did he ever make me feel beautiful? Tell me I was beautiful? I try to think of the happier feelings but I can't remember. I don't think I've blocked out things from our relationships past.

Sex was sex, I didn't feel pretty in sex. I didn't want to shave sometimes, because I thought it would keep him away from having sex. Which it didn't. But sex was often very empty and I didn't want it. At some part of living there with him and maybe dating him in general declined my self-esteem. I guess I am a person who craves and needs reassurance of things. Maybe that's why break ups were so easy for him to fix with me because it gave me that reassurance. Who knows. I know I blame that time of my life for a lot of things. But I don't think I am 100% wrong. I did crazy things, obsessive calling, paranoia, all of which developed because of the person I loved. The person I loved who would hurt me and hide things. The person who treated me badly. A bad jerk. That doesn't make it right, but that's how things happened. I don't wanna be that way ever again.

I'm desperately trying to understand myself. To fix myself, this just isn't the way by hurting myself because of my emotions. I need to find a way to get back on birth control and regulate my hormones. I think it might help, with the acne that's causing the behavior and my emotions.

I'm searching for a behavior treatment. This is absurd. I'm only mildly concerned with my obsession to "fix" myself. But I don't think its bad. Its not like i'm going out having a million plastic surgeries, or starving myself to loose weight. I'm trying to make healthy choices.

I have a new app for what I eat. I want to see how much I really cheat on food. I used to consistently weigh around 120lbs. I can't believe I let myself get over 120lbs living in syracuse. I'm now doing well to keep my weight under 118 nowadays and to loose more. But understanding what I need for energy to not feel tired or anything and what is over eating is a little hard. I drink water now though! Which is a surprising feat that I've trained myself. I used to hate water. I gave up soda sometime at morrisville. I gave up Gatorade as well. I gave up juice sometime during living in the apartment. Now i really just drink water, milk, tea, very occasional iced coffee and lemonade if I'm at a restaurant.

Am I done yet idk? It helps to let all this out. Let my mind out, set me free.

Anxiety, stress, depression. Mental issues, are all real to me. I want to be healthy mentally too. I truly think through the years I got sick somehow. Really I'm just trying to figure myself out. I want to be conscious of myself and my emotions.

When I'm happy I'll try to write. When I'm miserable I'll try to write. My life is stressful, I gotta work through it the best way I can.

Right now my skin feels wicked gross, and my body in general. Probably gonna put some music on my beloved iphone and take a shower.

I have a 3 day weekend. And I'm going to positively move forward to my goal.

~Death Comes Fast~
Current Music: La la la lala love rain ost
22 August 2014 @ 08:47 pm
Things feel heavy. I'm lonely in a way. The hardest thing to do sometimes is just to smile.

I'm disappointed in my life. How unsmoothly it goes.
I hate how unmotivated I am, its paralyzing.

I got a car, its not too pretty as my graduation gift. Its slightly embarrassing to be seen in. When will my dad have time to make it pretty for me? I don't know. When I got it, when I saw how the condition was my heart sank. My father is always busy because he struggles to make money. My siblings also burden him with bills. But at the end of the day I will get a short stick because I demand the least. This car's life expectancy is 1 year. It needs a 60$ part already. I hear stories of parents talk about buying their children new cars, i'm sure they have power locks and windows. So I need to save up for a new car.

I said I graduated right? I have 11,000 in loans I need to start paying on in november.

Better find a job right?

Yeah about that. I can't find the right motivation to get my shit done for my internship. I also have to figure out what to do with petition for chem? Are they going to give me credit so I can graduate? I'm dreading it. I need a professor to look over everything too.

So I can't find a job now cause I haven't received my degree. Whats the point in putting an application in when I have no clue when I can leave?

I didn't even hear back from any of the 9 jobs I put in for. Not that I can go now. I better get this shit done now huh?

I need to get gas on sunday. I'm gonna have to get a parking pass on monday. 120$. I'll be working the week at life sciences with an intolerable person. But its money so grin and bear it right? So i've got a car, iphone, parking pass, and gas to pay for.

But I don't want to live here anymore. I can't stand the bickering, the fighting, the children. This isn't where I want to be right now. This isn't the life I really want right now.

All I do is try to escape it. But I can't even do that. When life is shit, my game goes to shit too. I'm in a new guild for the 3rd time in Wildstar. I can't do this getting to know so many people over and over. I can't get comfortable. I can't make friends. I joined this game with dustin, he quit. I joined this guild with the gm of the other one, he's MIA. Theres no second raid for me to play in. Theres no one to play with. You can't really pug the pve, and pvp isn't fun healing pugs.

My reality escape isn't there in gaming.

So I watch kdramas. But finding the right ones takes time. Theres something i look for in them. I've started two on air shows which I can watch every tuesday-friday of new episodes. It gives me something to come home and relax with, to look forward to. I have true blood on sunday/monday. But these shows are coming to an end and I'll have to find more.

Did I mention I don't want to be here anymore? I wanna be on my own, away, far away. I want a fresh start to fail again. Okay, hopefully not fail. I didn't even make friends here really in syracuse.

Jon just had to message me on fb. Ruin my weeks. Surprising he still thinks of me. Its hard to block out someone who you grew up with, who you dated forever. well atleast for me. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. I'd love to slap him, to dress up and walk by him and ignore him. His memory flares my temper still. What I tried to have with him, I wish I could have had. Why was he such a worthless asshole? Ahhh what a waste of my life. Sure my life isn't very good atm. But as a significant other I have potential. I am so loyal and loving. I just want to be loved.

Why can't I attract a guy my own type, my style, who is attractive inside and out? All the guys that chase me I have to attraction to.

So i'm lonely sometimes. We all just want to be understood.

~Death Comes Fast~
Current Mood: Blah
Current Music: Marriage Not Dating OST
29 July 2014 @ 08:52 pm
Lie to Me. A cute marriage kdrama.

The desire to be engaged is pretty strong. How much I wanted a ring. Brittani got one, mom got one.

Yeah I closed that entry and watched more dramas. As one character said in I need romance 3 : it wasn't a perfect relationship but it was one I wanted to go all the way with. Dealing with these emotions left over through the years is a lot to deal with. I could beat myself up about it but it wouldn't change anything. I occasionally am reminded of him so I take those memories out and give them their time till I can put them away again. The good and the bad will fight in my head forever. But it's okay. Life is moving quickly now :) and it's all good!
09 June 2014 @ 07:13 pm
In my memory, I will erase your voice
In my memory, I will even erase your name
I think I have been in pain enough
Every time, I call out to you and break down

Throw these moments I think of him away. So many tangled emotions I want to be rid of. Moving has caused me to have relapses. I know it'll pass. I'll wake up and not have a thought of him all day. But I don't know what emotions are acceptable. Time has erased many memories but I think I'd rather erase it all than have the fleeting good ones.

He wasn't a good guy and I have many emotional scars to prove it. Why couldn't I have let go sooner? When actually it was Jay who gave me the last push I needed to get out and break up. And I almost went back until he said the words that stabbed me one last time. I'm glad to be free. I'm glad he made me wake up and then ran away. I just get frustrated at these lingering emotions.

I don't want to care that he doesn't even have the decency to turn in his key or get his shit out of the apartment. I DON"T WANT TO CARE.

So stop thinking about it and being annoyed.

Relapsing again? ---------------------------------------------------

Stop being disappointed, depressed, angry, confused, frustrated, annoyed. It ended. It was shit. Don't even try to sugar coat the shit he did to you. He was sweet far less than he was rotten. Don't forgive his cruelty. Don't blame yourself for anything. Don't think that any of it was your fault because he messed you up so bad with the wreckage he left from 9 years of knowing each other. Yes admit: it was that bad. How many times did he break up with YOU? You were loyal and loving at one time, he warped you, made you bitter, made you distrust (and with good reason girl), made you insecure. You're beautiful, don't be dragged down. You're starting a new chapter now, so live it. Don't look back.

Shake your head and free yourself of those emotions. Sing a song at the top of your lungs. Run, bike, work out. It'll get rid of them. You're stronger now, you've been through this. Let go, move on, don't ruin the day.

~Death Comes Fast~
Current Mood: :(
Current Music: Skillet
05 May 2014 @ 09:25 pm
Ahh running in mental circles. Please set me free!

I stayed up till 3am playing wildstar. Haven't studied in a while. Test is on Wednesday.

I talk to Dustin very often. Its a bit more flirty. He compliments me a lot. I don't know how I should act. This is the guy I could talk to so casually and now I am so at a loss for words? I can see other sides to him in his stories. I'm not sure it can return to the memory in my mind. I don't want to cross a line. I don't want to date him. Or date in general really atm. I don't think I have that kind of feelings towards him. But it is difficult to pin point. I feel like he's pushing his way over that line. But the me right now isn't really into it. What I want is something tangible. I want someone who will touch me, not be miles away. Its something I really want and yet don't want at the same time.

I dreamt of Jon last night. It was a sad nightmare. A nightmare about marriage. It was the church of brittani's wedding. I remember the nervous feeling of walking down the isle. I saw 3-4 bridemaids but I don't know who they were. And then Jon with his best man. There was no ceremony, no kiss, no happy feelings. I can't remember too well after that but it changed, he left (the wedding or me) sometime after, and it was like I was begging him not to ruin the moment. My wedding or marriage something was ruined and it tore me apart. What was my subconscious thinking about? Was it telling me that life with him would have been ruined? Why dream of that?

I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep away. I really don't get a day to just sleep in and not worry about anything. I NEED IT. I don't want responsibility right now.

Please help me. I'm fighting with myself. I've wasted the day away and I still can't move from this spot.

What do I do? I need help. I need someone to hold my hand and yet I don't want to depend on anyone.

I just don't want to do anything. T_T Am I having a relapse? I'm crumbling. I have tears of stress waiting to fall. Cant it all be over quickly? But how can it end if I don't begin it?

I wanna sleep. z.z

~Death Comes Fast~
Current Mood: :(
24 April 2014 @ 10:48 pm
Tired - don't wanna sleep
need to study - don't wanna study
want to apply for jobs - cant cause I need to finish my internship

yeah. like that.

Dustin messaged me and I cried just thinking about things. My oh my my stupid tear ducts are broken. I'll never understand how emotionally attached I am/was to this guy. When I think about him 98% of it is of me laughing and being happy.

Somewhere I became really distant. I can't get my mood up when I play like I used to and its not because I don't enjoy the game. My mood just crashes fast after any spike. It wasn't like that back then. Not in my rohan days. I really enjoy tera but it just isn't giving me that sociality I need.

I want to get back to being that person.

~Death Comes Fast~
Current Location: moms
Current Mood: tiredtired
08 April 2014 @ 01:04 am
There's a guy I work with. He's quite cute. He's quite promiscuous. He invited me over, claims to be an honorable guy, but he seemingly didn't want to do anything. Cuddling with someone casually, I'd never done that before. Hey I tried to be open but thats totally out of the norm for me. So does that make me prude? I heard that word and got kinda pissed. He did get alot of points for carrying me up the stairs. Bridal style up the stairs. Damn that was impressive. But the word sex came up too many times. Being in someones bed was more than awkward enough. Atleast I would have been more comfortable if we put on a movie or something. I don't want to be some cheap fuck. I've been there and done that. Can't it be just a step up from that? Can't you atleast pretend that you have any care about me as a person? Its not like I can't be swayed pretty easy but wtf put some more effort. YO WALK ME OUT AND WAIT FOR THE BUS. TALK TO ME FFS. Are Hawaiians really so open? Casually touching. I don't know it. He made me lose confidence. I couldn't tell if he was attracted to me or just possibly a willing body. How embarrassing would it have been to play that game with him? What if it did nothing? How embarrassing would that have been? I'm the opposite of him. He does everything casually, while I've only done things intimately. Physical contact without being that familiar isn't my nature. A number of times we were face to face but I didn't want to even kiss. Perhaps I was afraid that would lead to him wanting more. What he must think of me. I'm curious.

But damn he could be so cute. Those Asian eyes.. and lips. Looking at those... But then the personality wasn't there to back it up. I needed slightly more talkitive and playful. It wouldn't have been so weird if it was like the 3rd time meeting outside but for the first time it was weird, and extremely awkward.


~Death Comes Fast~